Prep and Landing

My friend, H, and I frequently discuss how to prepare for landing during a variety of unpredictable conditions.  As there are no "right" answers, the breadth of them is the key.

In the first case, the seat is down and all APPEARS ok.  Do you put your faith in those who have gone before you (literally) and sit?  Do you grab some tissue and give it a "just in case" swipe?  Do you lay down a protective layer of toilet paper, THE MOST PENETRABLE MATERIAL ON EARTH, and sit comfortably knowing that you are shielded from harm like the boy in the plastic bubble?  Do you upholster the toilet seat with MOUNDS of tissue?  Do you hover Japanese style, never coming into contact with the offending seat?

In the second case, the slob before you has had a "number one misfire."  Do you mop it up and then revert to your case 1 scenario?  Do you leave that stall in search of dryer pastures?  Do you keep layering tissue until you've reached it's absorption threshold? 

Third case, your predecessor has left you a gift.  Do you leave and find another stall?  If you do, do you worry that anyone seeing you exit will assume that you are the "giver"?  Do you just flush and start fresh?  Do you ponder WHY someone would leave you such a personal gift?  Do you analyze their gift (ie "hmm...corn...")? 

Fourth case, there is no seat and this is the only bathroom for miles.  I think the only options really are to fashion a seat out of tissue or hover...am I right?

Fifth case, you get into the only stall and realize that there is a huge gap where the door closes.  Do you hang your things on the hook, hoping it will deter the curious?  Do you say "what the hell" and ignore it?  Do you position yourself so that you're "less visible?"

Sixth case, you get into the only stall and the lock is broken.  Do you McGyver-rig a lock out of anything in your pocket/purse?  Do you cast your fate to the wind?  Do you ask someone to "stand guard?"

Seventh case, the handicapped stall is all that's left.  Do you wait for the next standard stall?  Do you hop up there and let your feet dangle?  Are you self-conscious about all the extra space?  Do you worry that a differently-abled person will roll into the restroom while you're sitting there...in forbidden territory? 

I'm sure there are more scenarios, but it's getting late.  I'm curious to hear your thoughts if you care to share them.