Urinal: A Primer

The Urinal is a mystery to many women and, unfortunately, some men.  This will hopefully serve as Urinal 101 for the uninitiated. 

Urinal...pronounced not unlike "you're in hell" except by my friend, Margaret, who is British and calls them "you RYE nuls".  Often the urge to go flees while I think "What the hell is she saying?"  I digress.  So the urinal is, obviously, for "number one" and it is best suited to male evacuation though I have seen women attempt the feat and, trust me, it's unglamorous. 

Now most people would think that it's a simple matter of "pull it out and go."  However, there is a whole system of understood etiquette regarding their use which, if not followed, means that "there is something wrong with you."  This can be that you are too drunk to observe them...or to care.  It can mean that you were never taught the unwritten laws...which raises serious questions about your upbringing.  It can mean that you're "over-curious".  In short, it broadcasts that "there is something wrong with you."

So here are the unwritten rules...now writ:

1. If there is only one urinal and a toilet, the bathroom is for one person and you should lock the door.
2. If there is only one urinal and a stall and the urinal is being used, the stall should be Plan B, rather than standing behind the evacuee waiting for the last shake and flush.
3. If you absolutely MUST use the urinal, wait in an inconspicuous place bearing in mind that, in a mens' room, there is no inconspicuous place.
4. Wait outside until you hear the Xcellerator hand dryer and then enter.
5. If there are two urinals, first one in gets the adult one, second one has to use the kiddie urinal which is usually mounted 10 inches off the floor.  Using the kiddie urinal means that you're less of a man.
6. If there are three urinals, first person uses one on either end, second person uses the one on the opposite end.  The middle one should only be used by a third person and preferably when he is drunk or you are at a theme park.  Many men will opt for the stall to avoid using the middle urinal.  Using the middle urinal outside of these conditions might mean that you're gay.
7. In cases where there is a bank of urinals, "every other one" is the etiquette unless you're drunk or gay.
8. Look straight forward or down at the job at hand.  Looking elsewhere means you're gay.
9. No talking.  No moaning.
10. Spitting is ok.  Try not to spit on your junk.
11. When you are close to finishing, a few curt shakes is the norm.  Anything longer than this is an immediate "code red" and will brand you for life. 
12. Stow your cargo, zip, and flush.

I'm sure there are variations on these rules, but understanding, and following them, should get you by without notice and that, after all, is the goal.